Smushed News: Is there a Foggy Bottom joke here somewhere?

How will we know when economy hits bottom? McCain reclaims his place in D.C.

These were right next to each other on the MSNBC home page. It's like they were daring me or something...

Source: MSNBC, March 8, 2009 and MSNBC, March 8, 2009

Smushed News: If There's Any Justice in the World

Madoff guilty plea may be in works: castration is proposed as sentencing option

Hey, if this were the French Revolution, they would have cut off his head.

Source: MSNBC, March 6, 2009 and The New York Times, February 14, 1990

Smushed News: Stocks Knock Fox's Box

Is Julia Roberts' reign over? Crisis is crushing iconic U.S. companies

Julia's stock may be falling, but just wait for the sequel to Erin Brockovich where she searches for toxic assets.

Source: Newsweek, March 6, 2009 and MSNBC, March 6, 2009

Smushed News: Push... Puuuush

Fed chief: U.S. suffering ‘severe contraction’, gives birth to octuplets

If this is going to be the economy, I think I speak for all America, when I say, "to hell with natural childbirth, we'd like the drugs now"

Source: MSNBC: Feb 24, 2009 and Today, January 27, 2009, among others.

Smushed News: It's Right Between the Gun and Grandma's Candlesticks

NASA Satellite Fails to Reach Orbit: It’s at the Pawnshop

You just know NASA is going to blow it all at the race track...

Source: New York Times, February 24, 2009 and New York Times, February 23, 2009

Smushed News: Cats Are Trouble If You Don't Keep an Eye On Them

Socks, former Clinton cat, put to sleep; Meek ending for mighty unit that gutted AIG

I can't wait to see the impending "documentaries" about how Socks was murdered to spare the Clintons political embarrassment...

Source: CNN.com Feb 20, 2009 and MSNBC, Feb 21 2009

Smushed News: Joy! Joy! Joy!

Ann Coulter vs. Joy Behar with a crossbow

Don't worry about Ann--the arrows will be harmlessly sucked into the massive vacuum that exists where real humans have a soul.

Source: Entertainment Weekly, February 20, 2009 and CNN, February 19, 2009

Smushed News: Are They Made With Real Girl Scouts?

Girl Scout cookie sales crumbling: Robbing banks no longer just for guys

"Give me all the money in the safe. I have a Thin Mint, and I'm not afraid to use it."

Source: USA Today, Feb 19, 2009 and CNN.com Feb 20, 2009

Smushed News: We're going to need a bigger boat

GOP governors consider rejecting stimulus money; Shark attacks cited

Frankly, "Shark attacks cited" works pretty well at the end of just about any headline.

Try it:
"Dewey Defeats Truman; Shark Attacks Cited"
"Ford To City: Drop Dead; Shark Attacks Cited"

Source: MSNBC, Feb 19, 2009 and MSNBC, Feb 19, 2009

Smushed News: Maybe Gravity is Increasing

Brian Dennehy takes fall, Dow stumbles to 6-year low

Source: Chicago Tribune, February 18, 2009 and CNN, February 19, 2009