How will we know when economy hits bottom? McCain reclaims his place in D.C.
These were right next to each other on the MSNBC home page. It's like they were daring me or something...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Smushed News: Is there a Foggy Bottom joke here somewhere?
These were right next to each other on the MSNBC home page. It's like they were daring me or something...
Friday, March 6, 2009
Smushed News: If There's Any Justice in the World
Madoff guilty plea may be in works: castration is proposed as sentencing option
Hey, if this were the French Revolution, they would have cut off his head.
Smushed News: Stocks Knock Fox's Box
Is Julia Roberts' reign over? Crisis is crushing iconic U.S. companies
Julia's stock may be falling, but just wait for the sequel to Erin Brockovich where she searches for toxic assets.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Fill In the silly list: The Only Winning Move Is Not To Play
What to do now: 5 investing mistakes to avoid
- Don't Buy Stocks
- Don't Buy Bonds
- Commodities aren't looking so hot
- Real Estate, Ha!
- The Madoff Legal Fund may not yield the ROI promised in the prospectus.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Fill In The Blank: Maybe they aren't really brothers?
Fill in the blank in this quote from Steve Greenberg, the CEO of S-Curve Records:
"Very simply, the Jonas Brothers are different than every other Disney musical act because the Jonas Brothers ______________________________"
a) "were actually built from the ground up by the Disney Imagineers."
b) "were a band first"
c) "were actually aliens, just like that episode of The Middleman"
d) "have at least one band member that can play their instrument"
Hmm... there's a better joke in here somewhere.
"Very simply, the Jonas Brothers are different than every other Disney musical act because the Jonas Brothers ______________________________"
a) "were actually built from the ground up by the Disney Imagineers."
b) "were a band first"
c) "were actually aliens, just like that episode of The Middleman"
d) "have at least one band member that can play their instrument"
Hmm... there's a better joke in here somewhere.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Department of Duh: Lack of money blamed for poor profits
Retail profits pounded by spending plunge
In a related story, Lucy Van Pelt's lemonade stand and Psychology booth filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy today citing a lack of consumer spending. Last minute attempts to secure TARP money for the stand failed when Ms. Van Pelt called the federal bank representative a "Blockhead".
Smushed News: Push... Puuuush
Fed chief: U.S. suffering ‘severe contraction’, gives birth to octuplets
If this is going to be the economy, I think I speak for all America, when I say, "to hell with natural childbirth, we'd like the drugs now"
Smushed News: It's Right Between the Gun and Grandma's Candlesticks
NASA Satellite Fails to Reach Orbit: It’s at the Pawnshop
You just know NASA is going to blow it all at the race track...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Smushed News: Cats Are Trouble If You Don't Keep an Eye On Them
Socks, former Clinton cat, put to sleep; Meek ending for mighty unit that gutted AIG
I can't wait to see the impending "documentaries" about how Socks was murdered to spare the Clintons political embarrassment...
Friday, February 20, 2009
Smushed News: Joy! Joy! Joy!
Ann Coulter vs. Joy Behar with a crossbow
Don't worry about Ann--the arrows will be harmlessly sucked into the massive vacuum that exists where real humans have a soul.Source: Entertainment Weekly, February 20, 2009 and CNN, February 19, 2009
Smushed News: Are They Made With Real Girl Scouts?
Girl Scout cookie sales crumbling: Robbing banks no longer just for guys
"Give me all the money in the safe. I have a Thin Mint, and I'm not afraid to use it."
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Smushed News: We're going to need a bigger boat
GOP governors consider rejecting stimulus money; Shark attacks cited
Frankly, "Shark attacks cited" works pretty well at the end of just about any headline.
Try it:
"Dewey Defeats Truman; Shark Attacks Cited"
"Ford To City: Drop Dead; Shark Attacks Cited"
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